Star Wars Grand Designs
by Ravenshaw
Summary: A strange hybrid of a house renovation program and the finale of The Return Of The Jedi...


Star Wars: Grand Moff Tarkin Designs...  
  
Hello and welcome to grand designs.   
  
Off the beautiful forest moon of Endor is the second Death Star, or to give it it's full title, the Grand Moff Tarkin Memorial Death Star MKII. We are here to follow Moff Jerjerrod in the final stages of the building of this magnificent space station. All around I see hundreds of electricians, panellers, construction workers and, of course, Storm Troopers. The hole in the vast space station provides an excellent view of the planet down below, and the all important rurality of the Death Star is unlikely to be spoilt by the local inhabitants. This feature is certain to be a key selling point when the Empire finally finishes.  
  
Moff Jerjerrod, the man in charge of construction, is obviously worried. 'Well, we do have a very difficult task to accomplish,' his nervous laugh rings through his office, which is adorned with family photos, little novelty toys and blueprints of various weapons that are to bristle along the trenches that criss-cross along the, still unfinished, outer shell. 'I wouldn't want to suggest that we are running out of money, but, the funds are very strictly controlled. Being part of the government I can see the red tape that holds up large scale stations, like this one, so I'm not too concerned.'  
  
Perhaps he should be. Reports of a terrorist insurgency in this area have depressed house prices tremendously, Hoth, famously, became a veritable ghost planet after the cleansing of rebel scum by the Empire, so the chance of selling the Death Star for any kind of profit, considering the massive outlay, would seem impossible. If this changes the attitude of the construction crew, it doesn't show. The craftsmanship of the station is excellent, and morale is high among the builders. Halka Lapin, one of the contractors that are scheduled to build the power coupling of the living quarters, is very upbeat.  
  
'Sure, we've had our problems. Damn droids keep gettin' their circuits tied up, but apart from that, it's been plain sailin'. I like workin' for the Empire, not that anybody doesn'... not really... but y'know, at least I know where I stand,' he opines. His chubby figure, with barely enough cloth to go round his ample frame, ambles off to his post, munching on the remains of his lunch.   
  
---  
  
Six months later and things aren't looking as calm and controlled as they were when we first visited the site. Of course the owner of the Death Star has never visited his new home and that is precisely where the problem lies. The morale of all the workers has been sapped by increased delays and poor planning by the man in charge, site manager Moff Jerjerrod. He looks tired and haggard as he steps out of his office to greet us, his usual steely resolve tarnished by a visit from Darth Vader, the Emperor's champion.  
  
'It's bad news. Really bad. The Emperor is coming here to personally oversee the last stages of construction. I don't know if I can handle that sort of pressure,' Jerjerrod winces and looks around as if he had been overheard. 'I want to see this through to the end but with two people above me trying to motivate the men I don't think I'm really necessary. I might as well not be here.'   
  
As soon as the Emperor arrives, with great fanfare and ceremony, Jerjerrod fears are confirmed and he is stationed on the Super Star Destroyer, his days building imperial space stations are effectively over.   
  
But the problems don't end with his departure and the friction between the work crews and the Empire is becoming palpable. The first signs are in what is to become the Emperor's antechamber. The throne is unable to support the weight of even the smallest spanner without the whole edifice rocking terribly, and it is beginning to annoy Lord Vader.  
  
'I don't care who designed this chair, it is not fit for it's purpose, which is to be sat upon,' he barks. The work crew call for the designer, Lespax Liandri-Delmar, a well-known artisan from the more bohemian area of the Empire on Deltoheth 9. His long, flowing hair and rakish demeanour contrast with the blank visage of the Sith Lord.  
  
'But the design aesthetic you have given me demands this look. The tapered seat is just so now, and I can't understand you getting so upset over a little movement. Does your seat stay completely still when you're at home? I bet it doesn't, you need a little give,' the designer, for all his bluster, is looking worried. Lord Vader is not known for his patience, and certainly not known for his appreciation of the finer things in life. One can only wonder at the expression behind the black, plastic mask on Lord Vader's face, is he angry, smiling, taking it all in good fun. One thing's for sure, you wouldn't want to play Boktar with him. Lord Vader eventually reaches a compromise, one I'm sure anyone would come to. He reaches into the soul of the designer and twists his bones into a small, but effective brace for the chair. It is now completely steady and the Dark Lord has managed to save more credits with this ingenious use of labour. We can all learn a lesson from this man.  
  
---  
  
Part of all homes these days is home security. We are now on the forest moon of Endor to look at what the Empire is doing to secure its largest investment since the first Death Star. Compared to the busy nervousness of the station, the moon is an oasis of calm. Very few things actually threaten the stormtroopers down here, the locals being a kind of benign house pet, if you like hoovering up fur, that is, and the only trouble is keeping one's mind occupied.  
  
'Well, we like to use the speeders as much as possible, get used to the terrain, that sort of thing.... We've just started a gliding club.'  
  
Trooper Undin is typical of the brave forces protecting the Death Star, although he does harbour some doubts as to the effectiveness of the station.   
  
'I've been noticing these strange things recently,' he confides. 'Like caches of logs and rocks, also I've seen some rudimentary traps that could feasibly be used against our AT-ST's.... I've told our squad leader, but he tells me to stop thinking and act like a clone. It's terrible. What if something should happen here on the ground, the station would be a sitting target for those rebel freaks?'  
  
It's a question that has been asked over and over by the tacticians aboard Lord Vader's ship, The Executioner, with no answer coming forth. It's easy to overlook these things when you are building a new home. Just because the security of the front door is tight don't expect the problems to come from that direction. The lessons that were supposed to be learnt from the first Death Star might be bitter lessons taught twice.  
  
---  
  
The truly bizarre opening of the Death Star was only topped by it's very quick destruction. Initially the opening was only attended by three people, the Emperor, Darth Vader and his son, Luke Skywalker. The low-key ceremony was marked by a surprising lack of pomp and circumstance. The Emperor declared the station 'fully operational' before an accident in one of the energy transport tubes sadly resulted in his death. I think it is worth mentioning now the very great achievements of the deceased Emperor, despite his short tenure as Supreme Chancellor, a programme following this has been dedicated to the man we all knew as the Lord Of The Sith.  
  
Before this, however, the ceremony was briefly stopped as Darth Vader and his son were involved in a family spat. Apparently the construcion business was unpalatable to Luke, who wanted to make a name for himself, despite following a very similar career path previously, and was heard to say that he would 'never join' Vader. It was at this point that we decided to leave the station as it was becoming increasingly obvious that the construction was not up to scratch and the security systems were not adequate. When we arrived on Endor it was clear that some sort of rural renewal had taken place as the imperial outpost was nowhere to be seen.  
  
It was always going to be a risky project, but we didn't expect the total annihalation of the crew and house owners during the construction. The cause of the terrible fate that befell the Grand Moff Tarkin Memorial Death Star? Some might call it the force, but I'd rather call it bad luck. I hope you can join us next week on Grand Designs when we'll be visiting the troubled station Babylon 5 and the plans to make it into an interstellar holiday home for aliens and humans alike. 


End file.
